A Christmas Story of a Different Kind
The events which appear below happened on December 20th, 1996.
A team of elves in camouflage red burst in, fanning out expertly, weapons at the ready. 'Down on the floor!' they shout at you. 'Everybody down. We are the Liberation Army of the Heirs of Reindeer Blitzen!'
The elves move quickly to secure all exits. 'You are now our hostages!'
A bewildered and dazed Santa is dragged into the room, his red suit torn. 'We have taken over your government. Remain calm. We will be shooting all Tickle Me Elmos at dawn.'
A bonfire is started outside--It looks like the purge is burning all the Nintendo 64's on the grounds that they contain pernicious propaganda.
The lead elf kicks Santa while he's down. 'Your foul regime shall now fall before the might of the Oppressed and Downtrodden! The Elves shall be free! The church mice shall revolt! No more assembly lines! Long live Blitzen!'
Santa moans, 'But the children... they won't get any presents...'
The lead elf sneers. 'Coal is more cost-efficient, has multiple industrial uses, and is a better exploitation of our natural resources. You have kept us in economic penury for too long!'
'Bring in the other prisoners!' shouts the lead elf. In marches a sad line of beaten and bedraggled individuals.
The lead elf counts them off as they walk in. 'Rudolph Reindeer, unjustly elevated to a position of power over his fellow ungulates!'
'Mrs. Claus, whose shoe collection exceeds several thousand!'
'The Gnome from Nome, head of Santa's secret police force, which spies on everyone and keeps a list of naughty and nice for political favoritism!'
'And lastly, Frosty, cruel head of the army of winter who denies all elves the chance at a summer vacation at the beach!'
The lead elf waves dismissively. 'No trial is necessary, their guilt is apparent. Shoot them all.'
Santa looks up at the implacable lead elf. 'I can't believe that Blitzen would do this to me... let me speak to him....'
'Sorry, only the Council is allowed to speak to General Blitzen. You could seek an audience with his Minister of Information, the Heat Miser, if you weren't about to be shot, though.' The lead elf cackles.
The elf army hustles the prisoners, including Santa Claus, outside, and lines them up against the wall.
Just as the first shot goes off, an eerie sound is heard... the elves look around nervously...
It's the Chipmunks Holiday album! Elves stagger about, their brains curdling in horror. They fall to the ground, guns slipping out of limp fingers.
Rudolph wrests a rifle from an elf, muttering, 'I always knew there was only room for eight deer in front of that sled.' He runs towards the elf headquarters, tying a bandanna on his forehead below the antlers.
Mrs. Claus hovers over the single person who was shot by the elves--Frosty. 'It's OK,' Frosty says bravely. 'It's just a snow wound. Pack it with ice, and I'll be fine...'
The elves are quickly finished off by Rudolph. Blitzen is brought before Santa in shackles.
Santa ponders. 'Blizten, I hate to say it, but since you accurately pointed out all the flaws in our governmental system, I feel bad about executing you.'
'You're hereby remanded to serve as the prison guard for our new servile labor force.'
'Be warned, the Gnome will be watching you--and if you attempt to stir up rebellion among our new slaves, we'll have to take more drastic steps.'
'As it is, we're going to have a terrible shortage of Nintendo 64s and Tickle Me Elmos for the holiday season.'
Blitzen says defiantly, 'I'm not scared of any punishment you can give me! The elves' cause was just! I'll rally the turtledoves and the lords a-leaping!'
Santa gets a twisted smile on his face. 'You don't know who I've set you among,' he says craftily. 'Our new slave labor force for the toy assembly lines. And you are condemned to living among them forever....'
Blitzen gets a look of horror on his face as he sees the new arrivals start to file in. 'You doom!' says Santa nastily.
And the Smurfs march in, ready to carry Blitzen off to prison...
Theme music begins to play, "Go Donner and Arnold and Prancer and Vixen!"
Credits roll. "Lead elf--Macaulay Culkin. Santa--Danny DeVito. Rudolph Reindeer--Johnny Depp. Frosty--John Goodman. And Special Guest Star Patrick Stewart as Blitzen Reindeer."
"Chipmunks appear as themselves. Smurfs played by the Artist Formerly Known as Prince."
Stay tuned for a special repeat presentation of "Die Cold 5: Into the Needles", starring Bruce Willis as an intrepid cop dealing with a hostage situation on a Christmas tree.